Signor Erotica
by Hyuuga Akenai
Summary: Asuma drags Kakashi to the new exotic club in Konoha. IruKaka
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I own nothing, but I wish I did. Anyone in Japan willing to sell Kakashi, Iruka, and select others to me in exchange for labor? I make a mean cup of coffee.

A.N. : Hello! I am a huge fan of IruKaka, and thus I have written this. Inspired by thoughts of my "Aneki," Rowanashke, Watching Chris Rock on Comedy Central, and listening to Banana Phone on loop. Don't do it. It makes you think wierd things. ON TO THE STORY!

Sometimes, Kakashi wondered why he let the other shinobi talk him into these things. All he wanted was to go home, make a nice pot of tea, read the last chapter of his new Icha Icha book, and finish off the leftover eggplant miso. Maybe after that, he would've put a movie and fall asleep on the couch. But _no_, he had to let Asuma talk him into going to check out the new performer at Number Four, the alternative men's club buried deep within the shadier side of Konoha. He hadn't wanted to go, but Asuma had pestered him for nearly half an hour, making reading that last chapter of Icha Icha very difficult.

Finally, after reading the same page for the fifth time, he closed the book with a sigh, and Asuma grinned in victory. The silver haired jounin stood from his perch on the couch and walked towards the bedroom to change. No one in his right mind would go to a place like Number Four in their shinobi unifrom. People might recognize you, and if they recognized you, they talked. And Kakashi definitely had a reputation to uphold.

He'd emerged from his room in a pair of tight black pants and a tight black tee shirt, tucked in to his pants. Asuma grinned, he looked pretty good, but he would be recognized, because Kakashi refused to remove the mask and hitai-ate. He grinned, and pulled two items form his pocket; a scarf (black) and an eye patch. Kakashi took them, turned his back on his friend, and changed his 'accessories'. When he turned, Asuma grinned. Now he just looked like a freak with a cold.

-&-&-&-

The scene inside Number Four was very different from any atmosphere Kakashi had ever been in. Men, and some women, sat at small tables, talking softly and enjoying a variety of alcoholic beverages. Asuma spoke to someone at the entrance, and both shinobi were led to a table near the left side of the stage. The tables in their immediate area were empty, and Kakashi turned his chair a bit, so that he could keep an eye on the people streaming in and out of the establishment.

Asuma ordered them both drinks, one that Kakashi didn't touch. As the lights went down in the audience, the crowd cheered softy, and the lights outlining the edge of the stage came to life. An announcer's voice from an undisclosed location made welcomed them to the club and then announced the first performer. The crowd cheered again, and a loud pumping beat began, and a man dressed in a pair of tight leather shorts and a matching vest slipped from behind the curtain. A few people in the crowd cheered for him, and he grinned, beginning his routine.

Kakashi looked away disinterested as the man performed, and slowly took an inventory of the people in attendance. Four women, one that looked a bit like Anko, but with bright red hair and warm green eyes. She was focused on the dancer and nothing else. He passed on to the next person that caught his eye.

Ibiki?!

Kakashi blinked his eye, praying his mind was playing tricks on him, but the burly Interrogation specialist was there, watching the show, albeit a bit less interested than the Anko look-a-like. As the audience cheered and clapped again, Kakashi turned back to the stage to see the first performer had finished and was taking a bow before exiting.

A pole lowered from the ceiling, and two attendants quickly fastened it to the stage. They left, and the announcer introduced them to the nest performer, a young woman. Kakashi watched, barely interested. Asuma sure seemed into it, especially when the girl slid into a split, bending backward to grab her ankle, stretching her body. For the first time, he noticed some young girls walking around in sheer dresses with baskets. Asuma fished some money from his pocket and deposited it in the basket as it passed him. Kakashi raised an eyebrow at the man, and Asuma explained the patrons were not allowed to touch, and they had other performers walk around with baskets so that anyone wishing to tip the performer could still do so. Kakashi shrugged and turned back to the stage.

He wished Asuma hadn't brought him here. He wasn't enjoying himself, and he wanted to just lay on his couch and read.

"Why did you bring me here?" Kakashi asked. "This isn't even remotely interesting."

Asuma just grinned and pointed to the stage. The lights dimmed, and a slow, seductive rock song began to play. A figure crawled from between the curtains, hair hanging, blocking the performer's face. Bored, Kakashi decided to actually watch the performance. The figure didn't get very far, a leash was attached to a collar around his neck. The person holding the leash emerged from the curtain as well, wearing a pair of tight leather pants held to his hips by a studded belt. The man matched his slave, who wore a pair of tight blue shorts. Kakashi's eyes widened.

Izumo was holding the leash. But who was he restraining? Kakashi couldn't see, even as the figure, a man, stood and approached the pole, a hand gripping it lazily, his legs coming up to grip the cold steel, using his legs to push himself up the pole, legs wrapping tight as he let his body hand upside down, head facing the entrance. Izumo reached up and removed the leash, slinking to the front of the stage dancing sensuously, hands roaming his body. Kakashi watched his friend dance, and leaned back in his chair. Suddenly, Izumo walked back to the pole, spun around the base a few times and reached up, running his hands over the upside down man's body before slipping back through the curtain.

The man on the pole slowly slide down the pole, still upside down as his shoulders hit the stage. He rolled back, to his knees, sinking down flat, before slinking to his feet, grabbing the pole and swinging around it, legs out straight. He swung to the bottom of the pole and then using only his arms, pulled himself back up the pole, swung his legs up, locked them and spun around the pole, sinking halfway before he gripped his legs tight, stilling himself. From this position, Kakashi could finally see the man's face.

It was Iruka.

Kakashi swallowed and sat forward in his chair a bit. He watched as Iruka pressed his hands to the floor, and flipped off of the pole, slipping into a split. He swung his legs around and lay flat on his back, slowly spreading his legs and arching his back to sit up. His gaze was seductive, and his eyes focused on Kakashi's face. He winked at him and returned to his routine. He stood back up, body rolling, and swung around the pole as the music picked up.

Kakashi watched the peformance, enraptured as Iruka moved, his body telling a story as he moved on the pole. When Iruka slid to the floor and did not move, for a second, Kakashi panicked, thinking that something had happened to Iruka, but the lights came up a bit, and the audience broke into wild cheers. Kakashi sat there somewhat blankly, and when the performer with the basket came by, he placed a large amount of ryo into it and reached for his room temperature drink and knocked it back quickly, sitting back in his chair.

Asuma sat back as well, and grinned at Kakashi.

"What did you think?"

"Unn..." Kakashi stared at the empty stage, and Asuma laughed, patting his shoulder.

"I thought you might like that. Didn't think he had it in him, did you?"

Kakashi shook his head, finally regaining the ability to speak.

"Izumo was his.. His handler? That's a little odd. Isn't he with Kotetsu?"

"Yeah," Asuma conceded. "But Izumo's a performer, and Kotetsu doesn't mind. In fact, he's the one that taught Iruka how to do _that_."

Kakashi shook his head again and stood up to leave when the first performer of the night approached him.

"Um, sir..." He said, a small grin on his face. "Iruka-san would like you to join him backstage, sir, if you'd follow me?"

Kakashi passed a bewildered glance at Asuma and followed the man. What did Iruka want with him? The two rarely associated, and the last time he'd actually talked to Iruka was when the chuunin had gotten upset at him for putting his team up for the Chuunin Exams. Stepping up to the door of Iruka's dressing room, the dancer knocked and grinned at Kakashi before walking off.

"Come in," Iruka's voice bade, and Kakashi pushed the door open uneasily, stepping into the room. It was warmly lit, and Iruka sat in front of a mirror, brushing out his hair. He smiled in the mirror's reflection, eyes locking onto Kakashi's approaching form.

"I must say, Kakashi-sensei, when I saw you in the audience tonight, I was rather intrigued." He turned from the mirror and leaned on the vanity table, still dressed in his tight shorts, but he'd added a robe. "What is Sharingan Kakashi doing in a seedy little place like Number Four on a Saturday night?"

He stood up and walked towards Kakashi, pulling him into the room and shutting the door behind him. Kakashi turned immediately to keep his eyes on Iruka, slightly suspicious, as Iruka resumed speaking.

"I bet you were surprised when you saw me. After all, this is probably the last place you'd ever expect to see an Academy teacher. I have to admit, this was supposed to stay Izumo's and mine's secret, but Asuma came by one day, and then the next week he brought Ibiki. They've been coming for about a month now. But tonight, you were the first, other than them to recognize me."

He stepped closer to Kakashi, a sultry smile upon his face, and he put a hand on Kakashi's shoulder, gently directing him towards a chair. Kakashi slowly sat in the chair Iruka offered, and the chuunin sat down across from him, crossing his legs, smirk still on his face.

"Why, Kakashi, you haven't said one word to me..."

"I honestly don't know what to say. I came here, not knowing what to expect. And then, you and Izumo come out, and you started to dance."

Iruka laughed and stood back up, shedding his robe and stepping closer to Kakashi, so that he could slip into Kakashi's lap. He ran his hands over Kakashi's chest and scarf covered face.

"Did you like my dancing?" He asked, voice a mere whisper as he leaned close, mouth a hair's width from Kakashi's ear. His breath puffed across the delicate skin that resided there, and Kakashi shivered.

He hissed, and grabbed Iruka's hips, attempting to push the smaller man from his body. But when Iruka's tongue flickered over the shell of his ear, Kakashi hissed, and pulled Iruka closer. Iruka smirked to himself and pulled down the side of Kakashi's scarf to lick down Kakashi's neck. The silver haired jounin hastily pulled the scarf back up, and Iruka slid from Kakashi's lap, reaching towards the vanity table, pulling a dark silk scarf from the surface and securing it over his eyes.

"Kakashi," He whispered huskily. "Kiss me."

Kakashi stared enraptured as the tanned chuunin for a moment, hands gripping the man's shoulders, and he leaned forward, one hand deserting Iruka's waist to pull down his scarf. Lips free, he leaned forward slowly, pressing firm pink lips to Iruka's. He kissed Iruka slowly, and the dancer leaned forward, pushing Kakashi back in his chair, mouth furiously attacking the jounin's, tongue slipping from his mouth to run across Kakashi's lip.

Kakashi opened his mouth, allowing Iruka to slide his tongue in, searching, fighting with his own. The kiss was furious, heated, and it excited Kakashi. He hadn't ever really been with a person so passionately before, except for once, with his sensei, Namikaze Minato. But that was a long time ago, and Kakashi was nearly double his age; a long time to go without intimate contact. He let Iruka dominate him because, even though he barely knew the chuunin teacher, he trusted the man.

Just as Iruka made to slide his hand over Kakashi's growing erection, there was a persistant knock. Iruka groaned and slipped from Kakashi's waist, walking to the door, as Kakashi pulled his scarf back up and put on an air of nonchalance. Iruka pulled the scarf from his eyes, played with his hair and opened the door, a bored look on his face.

"Yes?" It was Izumo. And he didn't look happy.

"Nobu-san wants to see us."

"Can't it wait?" Iruka asked impatiently, glancing over his shoulder at Kakashi, who was watching the scene, unsure of what to do or say. Izumo gave an apologetic look and shoved his hands in his pockets.

"It's about our contract, Ruka, we've got no choice." And in an added whisper. "I can buy you a few minutes to say goodbye and change."

Iruka nodded and shut the door, turning back to Kakashi. "Kakashi, I'm sorry. I have to go meet with the boss." Kakashi waved a hand dismissively.

"Maa, it's alright. I'll just head home. See you around, ne?" Kakashi's eye turned up in a grin, and he headed towards the door.

"Kakashi, I'd like to see you again. For dinner?"

Kakashi stopped moving and turned his head to focus his eye on Iruka's face.

"That'd be nice."

"Monday night, seven?" Iruka walked to his travel bag, and set it on the vanity. Without any shred of insecurity, he stripped his clothing away, reaching for a pair of tan pants and stepping into them. Kakashi thought for a moment, eyes glued to Iruka's skin. He swallowed, hand glued to the door.

"I'm free."

"I'll stop by your apartment to pick you up." _Less likely to be late if I come find you._ "Is that okay?"

"Sure, I'll be ready." Kakashi turned his hand to open the door, but Iruka grabbed his arm and pulled the taller man back, pulling him down for a lips-to-fabric kiss. Iruka stepped back a bit, eyes sparkling.

"It's a date, Kakashi."

End Notes: This chapter is extremely censored, as is mean, and I don't want to get into trouble. If you'd like to read the uncensored version, a link can be found in my profile!

**Reviews make me write faster!**


	2. Chapter 2

A:N:/ I realize how late this is, and I'm very sorry. But I had a few catastrophes going on in real life that demanded my attention. But here it is, the next chapter. No lemon, no warning, other than some japanese (none of it is really important, but I provided a few translations. So... ENJOY!

-&-&-&-

Iruka wasn't kidding when he said seven. At promptly seven o'clock, Iruka knocked on the door to Kakashi's apartment, three blocks from the Hokage's office. As he dropped his hand from the door, he ran his hands over his outfit. He'd chosen a pair of loose fitting black slacks and a light blue button up shirt. He'd left his hair down, teasing it into a delightfully sexy shag style, so that he looked like he'd just rolled out of bed.

He waited a full two minutes before he knocked again, a little louder. There was a muffled curse from behind the door, and a slightly rumpled Kakashi opened the door. He was half dressed, a pair of pants his mask, but no shirt or forehead protector. His hair was wet and hung in his face. Iruka's eyes wandered over the pleasing sight before him.

"Yo."

"Hello, Kakashi. Little trouble getting dressed?" Kakashi smiled under the mask, a hand brushing his hair from his face.

"No, I just got back from a mission ten minutes ago."

"Sure..." Iruka grinned. He didn't know if he believed the silver haired man. He was perpetuously late, and lied to cover his ass, not that anyone really cared.

"Well, come in. I just need a few minutes." He stepped back to allow Iruka to enter, and then hurried to his room to finish dressing.

While Kakashi changed, Iruka wandered around the living room, examining the layout and contents of the room. It was very clean, almost ritualistically so. Everything was spotless, no dust, and he could tell the apartment was kept this way constantly, that it hadn't been prepared for his arrival. Iruka smirked. Just like Kakashi to be anally retentive.

He wandered past the table towards the bookcase. It was filled with several different titles, ranging from _1001 Weapon Techniques _ to _Caring for your Exotic Plants. _ Iruka raised an eyebrow at this one. Kakashi had exotic plants? Where? Kakashi didn't seem the type to have a plant, let alone be able to keep it alive. Iruka vaguely wondered, if Kakashi did in fact own an exotic plant (and assuming it wasn't dead), where he would keep such a plant. _In his bedroom/i _ he mused. _He probably talks to it like it's a pet. _ Iruka chuckled, and continued to browse. None of Kakashi's infamous Icha Icha books were on the shelves.

As Iruka continued to scrutinize Kakashi's reading preferences, the silver haired Jounin was finishing getting ready. He'd pulled on a black turtleneck, and tucked it into his pants. His hair had been towel dried and brushed, and it had resumed its gravity-defying stance atop his head. Satisfied, he pulled on the eyepatch he had yet to return to Asuma, and gave himself one last glance.

Shuffling towards the living room, he stopped to watch as Iruka perused his books. Just like a teacher to gravitate to a person's book selection. Thankful that he'd run out of space for his Icha Icha series and moved his prized collection to his room, Kakashi made his presence known. Iruka stood and turned back to face him, a grin on his face.

"You look very nice, Kakashi."

"So do you," Kakashi nodded, hands in his pockets. There was a moment of awkward silence, which Iruka thoroughly enjoyed, staring Kakashi down with a smug grin on his face. Kakashi would have blushed, but he was above such things. After all, Iruka thought, Jounin don't blush. Or was that Hokage? After letting the moment fester a bit, Iruka put his own hands in his pockets, adopting a lazy posture he'd seen Kakashi use quite often.

"We should head out? I made reservations."

Kakashi's eye widened a bit. "Really? Where?" He was genuinely curious, but he had a feeling Iruka wasn't going to tell him. And he was right. Iruka merely smiled and walked towards the door, stopping to pull his shoes back on. Kakashi followed, a bit annoyed that the Chuunin was being so secretive, but he put his shoes on, shut the light off, and followed the younger man out of the apartment, locking the door behind him.

The pair walked down the main street of the village, heading towards where the "Old Money" lived; people with connections or ran successful businesses. On the walk down, Kakashi had narrowed their destination down to three places; a Mongolian Barbeque, a quiet traditional Japanese restaurant, and a newer, more popular restaurant that served food from the other countries. Iruka stopped them outside the Japanese restaurant, Hitoban (meaning Overnight). Kakashi smirked. Iruka _would _ pick the traditional restaurant.

The pair stepped inside and Kakashi checked their shoes in while Iruka saw to their reservation. A short woman in a blue kimono led them to a table and offered them tea. Iruka ordered the roasted rice tea for himself, and Kakashi selected the traditional powdered green tea. The two sat in silence as they sipped their steaming beverages, Iruka grinning softly, and Kakashi with a mild look of interest on his face as he sipped his tea through his mask. Inwardly, Iruka was rolling his eyes. It was a wonder Kakashi never scalded his whole face.

"How do you drink through your mask without soaking it?"

"Hmm? Oh, theres a mesh screen in the general area of the mouth that looks exactly like the rest of the mask from the outside."

Kakashi seemed very pleased with his ingenuity, and Iruka had to hand it to him; hidden mesh was not a bad idea. But he better uses for mesh. Finishing his tea, Iruka looked over the menu with a careful eye. Kakashi watched him, not bothering to pick up his own rice paper menu.

"Kakashi," Iruka said, not looking up from the menu. 'Have you decided what you want already?" Kakashi nodded. "You haven't even opened the menu."

"I know. I want you to select something for me; you seem to know much more about traditional Japanese dining." He winked at Iruka, but Iruka wasn't sure if it was a wink or a blink, and shut the menu.

"If you insist."

The waitress appeared again, ready to take their order, and Iruka got to business.

"Watarigani, takikomigohan, soshite.." He paused, thinking. "Yonashi o onegai shimas." The woman bowed, a smile on her face, and Iruka turned back to Kakashi, who had poured them both more tea. Kakashi sipped his tea silently for a moment.

"Blue swimmer crab? Isn't that expensive?" Iruka chuckled into his tea.

"Everything is expensive here, but it is all good."

"You don't need to spend that much on me, Iruka. I'm not-" Iruka cut him off.

"-I don't have to, but I want to. I make more than enough to pay for this, so don't protest at the cost. Just ignore money and enjoy yourself, hmm?" Iruka raised his teacup in a small salute and sipped it. Kakashi did the same, fidgeting.

The two chatted about the other shinobi until their food came. Both men placed their hands together and said a blessing before picking up their chopsticks to eat. _This looks fantastic, _Kakashi thought. _Iruka sure has an eye for good food. _ They ate in companionable silence. Since this was not the place to shovel his food in, Kakashi setted for tipping his head down low, mask pulled down just enough to uncover his lips. Iruka held back a chuckle, watching Kakashi with interest as he broke the shell on his crab, using a pick to pull the tender meat from its casing and setting it beside his rice.

The meal of crab, seasoned rice, and fresh pear roses went down pleasingly well, and when the waitress returned, Iruka ordered a dish of ammitsu to share. Kakashi raised an eyebrow as he replaced his mask and sat back up. He'd never heard of ammitsu before. But judging by the look on Iruka's face; he had.

"Iruka, what's in ammitsu?"

"Ammitsu is a dessert of fruit and boiled red peas on top of a thin bed of monkfish and gelatin, with a sweet syrup over the top."

Kakashi crinkled his nose. Fruit over fish? It sounded disgusting. But when the dish arrived, Kakashi's mouth began to water. Iruka carefully cut the dessert into smaller, more manageable pieces with a knife and picked up his chopsticks, motioning to Kakashi to take the first bite. Kakashi leaned forward, pulled the mask down, and picked up a small piece of the fish. A sliver of grape stuck to it, cemented by the sweet gelatin and syrup, and he hesitantly put it in his mouth, chewing. A grin broke out over his face as he swallowed.

"It's delicious."

"Of course it is," Iruka said with a smile, digging in as well. "My mother's was better though." He could still taste the sweet mango sauce her mother used, a variation from the traditional berry syrup.

The two made short work of the ammitsu, and Iruka stood to go pay the bill, Kakashi following behind after securing his mask. Kakashi's eye nearly popped out of his head when he saw the bill, but Iruka seemed to think nothing of it. They retrieved and donned their shoes and set off into the street, the sky considerably darker than when they had arrived.

The silence was crushing Kakashi, who peered over at the shorter man, observing him. He seemed extremely calm and nonchalant, and he hooked his arm in Kakashi's steering him towards the river. Iruka led them both to a carved stone bench underneath a large, bowing Crimson Queen maple. Its branches brushed the water, distorting the surface. It was an old tree, bent and cracked, with a fine moss growing on its trunk, but it was very beautiful in the moonlight. Iruka sat on the bench, pulling Kakashi down with him.

Kakashi sat silently, observing the water's rippled reflection, and did not jump when Iruka's hand seized his softly, thumb stroking over the back of his hand. Kakashi turned to watch Iruka, who was smiling softly at him.

"Thank you, Iruka. For dinner, I mean." Iruka smiled a little more.

"It's no problem at all, Kakashi. I enjoyed your company very much." His thumb changed directions, and Kakashi nearly shivered. "It's getting late, Kakashi. Why don't I take you home?" Kakashi laughed softly.

"But we just got here."

"I know. I only wanted to show you this place. For… reference." Iruka drawled, slowly standing, still holding Kakashi's hand. Kakashi stood, the elevated ground making him tower over Iruka even more. Iruka pulled him close and pressed a kiss to his mask, before leading the way back to Kakashi's place.

At the door, Kakashi turned and stole one last kiss from the man. Iruka blushed a bit at having the tables turned on him, and pulled away.

"I want to do this right, Kakashi. Slowly," He said softly. "Have a good night, Kakashi." He smiled a little more and turned to walk away. Kakashi watched him walk down the street and turn the corner. Kakashi would have assumed that Iruka was going home, but he was quickly learning to not assume anything at all. Stepping into his house, he shut the door, removed his shoes and shuffled to his room. He made to remove his clothing when something red caught his eye on the bed. Giving it a curious glance, he realized it was a small rosebud. Picking it up gently, he cradled it in his palm and set it carefully on his night stand, right where he would have kept his Icha Icha book.

The book spent the night on the floor.


End file.
